The Last Taboo: Acknowledging Violent Behavior in Women

A single study is not, of course, definitive. But these results are significant because they align with decades of research finding that women are nearly as likely to perpetrate domestic violence toward men as men are toward women. This doesn’t mean the physical harm is the same. As the pioneering researcher Murray Straus put it decades ago, owing to greater male upper body strength, “She may cast the first coffee pot, but he generally casts the last and most damaging blows.” 

Other data show that women’s share of arrests for aggravated assault has risen markedly since the 1980s, as has their arrest rate for the more serious crimes, including homicide and rape. To be fair, proportional data can be misleading, as violent crime appears to have declined sharply over the decades. Whether proportional changes in incarcerated women are due to actual changes in their behavior or changes in how the criminal justice system perceives women's crimes will require more research. But the data shows that women now account for a greater share of these crimes. 

These findings shed light on one of society’s great taboos – acknowledging and discussing female violence – and the prevailing stereotype that women punish themselves for negative feelings, while men tend to lash out. At a time when young women are experiencing troubling rates of anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns, experts in the field say it is important to recognize that sometimes those problems are expressed through violence.

Taboos and stereotypes have made it hard to get a handle on the issue. Men are often loath to report being victims of female violence, and a tendency to get stuck in narratives of patriarchy and power results in our turning a blind eye toward male victims who do come forward. 

The Politics of Academic Researchers

Academic researchers have been part of the problem, pushing back on those willing to tackle this controversial topic. The late sociologist Murray Straus, whose groundbreaking research on family violence included the role of women as perpetrators, reported being blocked from leadership roles in the American Sociological Association, being falsely accused of beating his wife and sexually exploiting students, as well as seeing his students harassed by other academics. Fellow researcher Suzanne Steinmetz, who also found women perpetrate domestic violence in roughly equal numbers as men, experienced bomb threats when she tried to speak publicly. 

Scholarship in the social sciences often goes hand-in-hand with activism. Some scholars have dismissed violence by women as “inconsequential” when it does occur, taking a “why bother” approach to worrying about male victims. Others have taken a more egalitarian approach, observing that both male- and female-perpetrated violence can have real impacts on victims. 

The public’s misunderstanding of domestic violence was on display during the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial in 2022, when credible evidence emerged that Heard was at least as capable of abusing Depp as the reverse. During the trial, the couple’s therapist testified that they engaged in “mutual abuse.” That statement became remarkably controversial in the typical online chatter despite it being an accurate reflection of the evidence in the case, as well as much of the evidence on domestic violence. 

“These findings can be difficult to reconcile with criminal justice data and societal expectations that frame girls and women as the primary victims,” Catherine Shaffer-McCuish, lead author of the Canadian study on partner violence, told RealClearInvestigations. “Furthermore, public discourse tends to focus on severe, injurious, or coercive violence, which women are more likely to experience. Adolescent dating violence is often more mutual, less injurious, and complex…The result is that certain groups, like boys or LGBTQ youth, may not be seen, supported, or taken seriously when they experience harm.”

Most scholars, including Shaffer-McCuish, agree that male upper-body strength places females at greater risk for injury, even if they initiate a violent encounter. Men are also more likely to escalate domestic violence by using guns or knives, as I documented myself. In my 2011 study of young Mexican-American adults, men and women reported equal levels of victimization, as do most other studies. However, though extreme cases were rare, men were more likely to use weapons against women than the other way around. 

Nevertheless,  Shaffer-McCuish says, “It’s also important not to minimize the impact of violence on boys, who may experience psychological harm, social stigma, or have fewer support options available,” she said.

There’s also a lack of clear evidence on whether violence by women is more often in self-defense. Some studies, such as the “inconsequential” impact study mentioned above, suggest that this is the case. However, considerable research has challenged this view, with evidence suggesting that women’s and men’s motives for domestic violence are more similar than different. At the very least, the evidence for the notion that women are more motivated by self-defense than men is weaker than might be expected. 

“Research now suggests that adolescent girls and boys may use violence for a range of reasons, such as anger or retaliation,” Shaffer-McCuish said. “Motivation is complex and context dependent.” This is consistent with the literature finding that women are more inclined to report using violence as retaliation for emotional hurt or to get attention rather than self-defense. 

Jennifer MacKay, principal lecturer in psychology at Nottingham Trent University and domestic violence expert, noted that a 2024 study from the U.K. supported the Canadian study’s finding. The U.K. study found that boys in dating relationships “are more likely to say they experience violent or controlling behaviours (57%) compared to girls (41%).” MacKay said this data isn’t getting public attention because of fears that recognizing male victims will marginalize the experiences of women. “It took so much energy and culture shift for domestic violence to be discussed at all in the 70s and 80s that there is a fear that this will become lost,” she said. 

Men, too, play a role in the silence around their victimhood. Even when assaulted, men are less likely to identify themselves as victims, to report their victimization, or to be taken seriously when they do. MacKay added that girls report being less likely to be found out when they engage in domestic violence, and to be punished for the same behaviors when they are found out.

The backgrounds of males and females who perpetrate violence are more similar than different. “We see high levels of adversity in childhood, including abuse and abandonment, and repeated victimization through adolescence and adulthood,” MacKay said. “Being ‘trauma-informed’ has become a bit of a buzzword – but when we truly take this approach with all those who have used violence or abuse in relationships, we give everyone a chance to tell us how they got to that point in their lives, rather than only asking this of women.”

Men’s Difficulties Getting Help

Society’s prejudices are more than academic. Men find it more difficult both in asking for help when they are victims, and getting it when they ask. 

Phil Mitchell, a male abuse specialist in the U.K., said gender stereotypes may lead men to downplay their abuse. “Ask a man if he’s a victim of domestic abuse and he may say no. Ask if his wife hits him every now and then when she’s angry with him and he may say yes,” Mitchell said. “Many men have played down the fact they were abused saying that it didn’t hurt. I often say, ‘You might not have felt physical pain, but did you feel emotional pain?’”

Even when men are willing to acknowledge that they were abused by a woman, the physical strength differential is often against them. “It is this fact that is used in the female perpetrator’s narrative to present a distorted version of reality where they can visually make the male victim look like the perpetrator and make the female perpetrator look like the victim,” Mitchell said. 

As a result of the stereotypes and politics around domestic violence, Mitchell explained that victim services for men are largely nonexistent, with many domestic violence resource groups actively hostile to male victims.  

Violence in Gay and Lesbian Relationships

Much of the debate on domestic violence is wrapped up in the gender-focused activism on both the women’s and men’s rights sides. But domestic violence appears to be equally prevalent in gay and lesbian relationships as in heterosexual relationships.  

Understanding this may help recast the “war between the sexes” tale of domestic violence. It may have less to do with either the “patriarchy” and more to do with the mental health of both men and women involved in intimate relationships.

There are signs of progress. In the last few years, greater attention has been paid to male wellness as men and boys fall behind girls and women in school, work, and some measures of mental health. There also appears to be greater awareness that using “toxic masculinity” as a frame for issues like domestic violence may have been counterproductive, stigmatizing, and, arguably, sexist. Still, the idea that men and the society they created are to blame for their own problems isn’t easily toppled, masking our understanding of the roots and perpetrators of domestic violence and how best to help them.